An open wound. Bare skin. Unzipped. 

Why is it so difficult to give yourself permission to feel. To feel without being betrayed, to feel without a doubt.  Why are we holding back? Why can't we just say exactly what we want to and move on? Why do I have to think before I talk?

So may times in life we come across situations that begs us to feel, makes our hearts beat faster. But we're scared, so scared. Of feeling. It doesn't matter anymore if it is right or wrong but you have to feel it in your heart. But we are scared of being exposed. We don't want to be taken for granted. But what guarantee is there that we will be? What guarantee is there that we wont? That's when you take a blind leap of faith. Blind, but your heart is open. Blind, but you've never seen clearer than right now, than this moment that takes your breath away.

I love me some nom nom.

"Let us be grateful to the people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."

- Marcel Proust

Today started off as a pretty ordinary Saturday. Some days you wake up and you just know that the day is going to be fabulous, darling and some days you wake up knowing how utterly craptastic it is going to be. I woke up this morning with a pain in my rear and a head ache I knew was fast approaching. But thanks to the small things in life, today turned out to be quite okay. You know your lucky when a friend tells you how happy she is for you, "I feel so happy for you. I feel like Maggi. You know like how Maggi is so little and you put it in water and it becomes big? I feel like that!". See her equating emotions with food? That's a girl who will never let you down.

Today was also good because I found the cookie I've been searching my whole life for - Danish Butter Cookies. The cookie that defined my life and left me high and dry. The cookie that made a small appearance but left me wanting for more. I have been searching for this blue box for years, asking every relative who travelled to get me a box of these bad boys, but in vain. Today The Mother got them for me. You know it's love when she gets you two big boxes of the cookies that no one else in the house eats. The cookies taste the same as I remember them to be although with a little less butter. Come on Danish Butter Cookie people! How can you hold back on the main ingredient; the title of your fat ridden cookies? Please remember that butter is ALWAYS good.

Now the cookie box resides next to me on my bedside. I feel like an old lady who has a box of lemon drops, handing them out to everyone. Except of course I will share my cookies only if I really like you.

So today I am thankful for the small mercies. The small things that happen that make life easier; and the people with big hearts who make life that much more fun.

Summer Wind

If there is one thing Madras totally owns, it's summer. Complain all you want about the heat, sweat and power cuts but you know that Madras is in her best during this season. Summer is for lazy afternoons spent watching movies on Sun TV. It's when fruit sellers spring up in every street corner selling luscious mangoes and gorgeous watermelons. Summer is when you can see the trees proudly displaying their flowers. Thank God for the old Madras corporation/people who have planted bouganvillas and flame of the forest on every street.

I become very nostalgic during summer. The best parts of my childhood were spent making the most of what little I had and now that I'm all "grown up" I feel that longing for a simpler time when I didn't have to think about the future and take life changing decisions. All I thought about was when the elani man will come and if there is enough porri urundai to share with my friends.

I know this is all a part of growing up but I just want to stop for minute and take a breather. It's hard to accept that the most carefree days of our lives are over. Only a few weeks in to this blazing season and already my stress levels are haywire. 

In the midst of all the craziness that surrounds me I just want to give a big non-physical hug to a very beautiful, very special girl who means the world to me. All I want to tell you is to keep the faith and just soldier on. There are so many wonderful things ahead of you once you get past all the darkness. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its the brightest, most blindingly awesome light that you've ever seen. Just know that I love you irrespective of how many people you are. You are the kindest, smartest person I know. Big things are going to happen in your life. I just know it. You are the kind of person that deserves all the good that comes their way. Just know that I love you and I will forever be your bum chum.

I know how depressed you are so I'm sending some sunshine your way. Remember, the sky is not the limit. 

Scar.

A couple of days back I woke up to read a disturbing article in the newspaper. A 19 year old sales girl from Chennai was gang raped by boys who were her "friends". One of the boys, her classmate from school, had asked her to accompany him to visit another friend of theirs who had apparently taken ill. This unsuspecting girl went with the boy to the friends house only to realize that the boy wasn't ill and was in the company of four other boys. They offered the girl a drink and after a few sips she realized that something was wrong with it. They forced her in to drinking and when she became unconscious the boys repeatedly raped her. By the time she regained consciousness they dropped her off at her house. The next day the girl was suffering from extensive bleeding and was taken to a Government hospital. The doctors informed her mother that it was a clear case of rape and asked her to file a complaint with the police.

On February 9th three cases of rape took place at the same night in Delhi. In the first incident, a 13 year old girl  was abducted and raped by a 30 year old man because she did not accept his Facebook request. In the second incident a 17 year old girl was kidnapped and was sexually abused in car while continuously roaming the streets  The accused was  a relative of hers. In the third case a 17 year old girl was walking back home from work with her friends was forced in to a car and kidnapped. Her friends who tried to fend off the kidnappers were assaulted. This girl is yet to be traced.

In Delhi, a constable was arrested for molesting an under age girl in a slum area. In Kolkatta a man was mercilessly beaten to death for a lodging a compliant againt some men who were sending obscene MMSes to his college-going daughter.

All these events took place this month. It makes me wonder if India is really a safe place for women. None of these girls asked to be raped. They were from working class backgrounds trying to find some means to an end.

I feel that men do not understand the extent of their actions. Most of these assaults are done just for momentary pleasure or it is seen as a way to take revenge on the girl. Sexual abuse is prevalent everywhere. I'm sure that almost every girl has experienced abuse/molestation of some kind. I'm talking of the smallest cases of molestation, a sneaky hand in a crowded area, an intended brush across the body. Sometimes abuse takes place at home, by someone who is in the family. The trauma that a victim of sexual abuse goes through is indescribable. It may be just a moment to experience pleasure for men but for the victim the after effects of this carries on through out her life, more often than not ruining future relationships.

Take for instance the girl from Chennai, she has been through so much mentally. It would be no surprise if in the future she does not trust any man. She may become skeptical of every person she meets and every relationship she has.

What are we doing to protect  India's women? On one side we are advocating for the girl child. Educating people to not kill their daughters. On the other side there is rape and molestation at every corner. If this is how the country is going to be then the murdered daughters of India are better off in their graves.

As a country we seem to have lost our morals somewhere down the line. We have forgotten to care for whats right. We seem to have such a 'take it in your stride' attitude about everything. If the girl is raped or molested the blame game begins and all fingers are pointed towards the victim for "tempting" the man. I do not disagree that man is wired differently but because of this reason it his responsibility to keep himself in  check. There are stories of men molesting small children and pre-adolescent kids. "Temptation" does not play its part here. Abusing children is probably the most cowardly, most despicable and demeaning act there is.

It irks me to see that we aren't taking issues like these seriously. But if a minister is caught watching porn in the assembly then that becomes front page news and every news channel worth its salt replays the video for days. Schools and colleges need to educate their students on these lines. They need to create awareness starting from the lower classes. The earlier children know about these things the easier it would be for them to understand how wrong it is when someone misbehaves with them. Schools need to have counselors who can help them in understanding what is wrong and whats right. As a society we are still shy to talk about this subject. We want to push it under the carpet and act like it doesn't happen. But we need to open our eyes and accept reality. We need to be broad minded enough to not blame it on the victims. Parents need to explain this to their children.

As much as we want it to be, the world is not a happy, shiny place. It is dark, scary and like it or not we are vulnerable creatures.

These two issues are really close to my hear and it pains me to read news stories like this almost every day. I cannot imagine the angst the victim goes through. There can be no compensation for going through such a tough ordeal. Money cannot make the scars go away. Rehab and counselling can only do that much. Beyond that it is entirely up to the strength the person has to block the images, grit their teeth and move on acting like life is a happy place when at the bottom of their heart they know that things can never be the same again.

Happy Burdayy You

It's the anniversary of the blog today. It's been three years since I started this. I should have come far. I should have written more. But for reasons I cannot fathom I haven't come as far as I wanted to. The past year has been pretty disappointing. I was stuck in a rut and refused to budge. But everyday I am easing myself out of it bit by bit. Who knows, this year might be the year that I have many stories to tell. Actually, I always have stories to tell but words really evade me at times. This time I promise to try harder, to be better.

I celebrated the by eating cupcakes a couple of days before. I can never turn down dessert. Especially small, sinfully chocolaty, creamy cakes. The Cupcake Company has opened shop in Anna Nagar. I suggest you try it out.

Belief

A few days back I was having a philosophical discussions with one of my friends. Somewhere in the midst of talking about love and faith she turned her big bushy head to me and asked, "Why do you believe in God?". That moment I felt like I had slammed into a wall. Why did I believe in God? I did not have an answer at hand. I just stuttered, stammered and came up with a reason why, a reason that I just can't seem to recollect right now. But today while saying my prayers I realized why I actually did believe in God.

As a child I followed the faith of my parents. I did what they did. I believed in what they believed. I never questioned anything. I believed in God because my parents told me to. I did not want to get all rebellious and say no. It just wasn't worth the trouble. But as I grew up, from a pimply adolescent to an even more pimply teenager, life handed me a few important lessons. Lessons that were more important than Maths and Science. My future depended on how well I learnt these lessons. I was never a bright student in school and in life. Hence, I had to redo a few lessons in both.

I'm not here to judge those who don't believe in God. I have no way of telling what is in peoples hearts. I cannot judge a persons belief. I just want to tell you the reason why I believe. I believe that faith is the very foundation of our being. Sometime we have implicit faith on people only to be let down in the most cruelest of ways. Trusting and having faith in someone means that you are willing to let go of your anchor and depend and trust that person so much that every fiber of your being believes in them. Having faith is like moving away from your comfort zone and showing them your most vulnerable side.

Many times in life we feel let down and cheated by the people we love the most. We, as humans very easily become unfaithful. We lose faith in things easily. If life don't go according to our plan we lose faith.I'm a person who trusts people easily and in my life I've had incidents where I could not count on anyone be it friends or family.  At my most darkest days, when I hit rock bottom, the small iota of belief that I had in God is what made me the person I am today. Today I feel wiser because of all the tests that God has put me through. And I know that the important decision that I will make for the future will be inspired from the lessons I learned in the past.

It is very easy to not believe. It is very, very easy to turn a blind eye to all the signs that show the presence of a greater force. You don't have to look for scientific proof or read ancient scriptures. All you've got to do is just look deeper into your life, your past and you will find something that you overlooked.

"Belief is a beautiful armor

But makes for the heaviest sword

Like punching under water

You never can hit who you're trying for

Some need the exhibition

And some have to know they tried

It's the chemical weapon

For the war that's raging on inside"

- John Mayer, "Belief"

Summer.

Summer is almost over. The days of sweltering heat are broken up by sudden bursts of rain. Is it the monsoon? Or the winds receding from the north? I don't know. I never paid much attention in Geography class. In fact, I never liked Geography.

I miss summer vacations. Yes, it is summer now and I am on a vacation (a perpetual one if I so desire). But it is no match for the summer vacations I had in school. Summer meant two months of lying around and doing nothing. When I was in school we never vacationed anywhere fancy for the summer. It was always Tirunelveli for a week every year. The fanciest place I went was Ooty and Kodaikanal. But the rest of the holidays were spent watching an unhealthy amount of television and eating copious amounts of food.

I did attend the ubiquitous 'summer classes'. I dabbled my hand in painting for a while and never returned to the paint brush after that. I went for swimming classes three summers in a row. Considering that I was in the water most of the time I couldn't wear my glasses so I did not exactly make a lot of friends. I was more preoccupied with squinting my way through the water and making sure I didn't bang my head in to somebody else's.

My mother could never stand the sight of me lazing around the house. So, after swimming it was tennis for the next few years. Tennis involved a lot of wearing short skirts and running around. I loved it. My dad, not so much. And since I got to keep my glasses on, I made a few friends and met one of the weirdest girls I've ever seen in my life. 

All these semi-exciting summer vacations gradually came to an end thanks to tenth standard and the attack of the Public Exams. And from then on, summer vacations were filled with preparing for the twelfth standard Board Exams. Although I did visit a few countries in between, they were never a match for the summers of my childhood. 

During college, summers meant studying for semesters that were scheduled on days when the school kids had their vacations. So I had to study amidst screaming neighbor kids and had to withstand the temptation to watch the 'summer blockbusters' on Sun TV.

Although I love summer, I am a winter girl at heart. My mother says this is because I was born during one of the rainiest Octobers. Every summer my body reacts to the heat in disturbing ways. Two years back my face was entirely covered with heat boils. Nothing I did or ate or applied on my face made it go away. But once the heat reduced so did the boils. Thank God they left no scars. This year, the heat boils have spread to my scalp and neck and other weird parts of my body. But this is the effect of eating an obscene amount of mangoes.

And thanks to the daily power cuts, I don't think I will be missing this summer all that much. As much as I love summer I hate the sweat and the heat and the permanently sticky skin. 

I am so glad I don't have to travel two hours every day in a bus full of heat and dust anymore. Four years of that was more than enough.

If you are stuck in traffic at this time of the year because of 'Metro Rail/Mono Rail' work (last year it was bridge work) my condolences to you.

The Great Dictator (1940)

Today, as I was flipping through the telly I stopped at UTV World Movies. The channels' normal fare consists of spooky, creepy Korean movies, French movies that are almost always about love, lust and so on and rugged looking Arab/Middle Eastern movies. But today was different. They were playing 'The Great Dictator' starring Charlie Chaplin. I had heard about this but never had a chance to see it.






Charlie (Charles) Chaplin was always known for his slapstick humor. He was the epitome of comedy and personified funny like nobody ever can. But I was pleasantly surprised with 'The Great Dictator'. Chaplin plays a double role of the dictator Hynkel and a Jewish barber. Chaplin was greatly criticized for disrespecting the Jews and the Nazis alike as the movie was a satire on Hitler and Mussolini.

During Hitler's reign the movie banned in Germany and in all Nazi occupied territories. But Hitler did see this movie. Twice. Unfortunately history never recorded what he thought of the movie.

'The Great Dictator' is probably one of the bravest movies ever made considering the circumstances of its release. It was released in a time where Hitler's actions were not fully known. Chaplin however manages to draw a fine line between the guilt of the persecution and the concentration camps and the actual humor.

Although this movie is a satire, it teaches us a lesson. The final scene where Chaplin gives a speech is five minutes long and has to be one of the most excellent dialogs in cinema, the likes of which cannot be found today. The speech became so popular that Chaplin was invited to do a live radio broadcast.

This speech is something we can relate to in this day and age. It is amazing how something that was filmed seventy one years ago is extremely relevant today -


"I'm sorry, but I don't want to be an emperor. That's not my business. I don't want to rule or conquer anyone. I should like to help everyone if possible; Jew, Gentile, black man, white. We all want to help one another. Human beings are like that. We want to live by each other's happiness, not by each other's misery. We don't want to hate and despise one another. In this world there is room for everyone, and the good earth is rich and can provide for everyone. The way of life can be free and beautiful, but we have lost the way. Greed has poisoned men's souls, has barricaded the world with hate, has goose-stepped us into misery and bloodshed. We have developed speed, but we have shut ourselves in. Machinery that gives abundance has left us in want. Our knowledge has made us cynical; our cleverness, hard and unkind. We think too much and feel too little. More than machinery, we need humanity. More than cleverness, we need kindness and gentleness. Without these qualities, life will be violent and all will be lost. The airplane and the radio have brought us closer together. The very nature of these inventions cries out for the goodness in men; cries out for universal brotherhood; for the unity of us all. Even now my voice is reaching millions throughout the world, millions of despairing men, women, and little children, victims of a system that makes men torture and imprison innocent people. To those who can hear me, I say, do not despair. The misery that is now upon us is but the passing of greed, the bitterness of men who fear the way of human progress. The hate of men will pass, and dictators die, and the power they took from the people will return to the people. And so long as men die, liberty will never perish. Soldiers! Don't give yourselves to brutes, men who despise you, enslave you; who regiment your lives, tell you what to do, what to think and what to feel! Who drill you, diet you, treat you like cattle, use you as cannon fodder. Don't give yourselves to these unnatural men - machine men with machine minds and machine hearts! You are not machines, you are not cattle, you are men! You have the love of humanity in your hearts! You don't hate! Only the unloved hate; the unloved and the unnatural. Soldiers! Don't fight for slavery! Fight for liberty! In the seventeenth chapter of St. Luke, it is written that the kingdom of God is within man, not one man nor a group of men, but in all men! In you! You, the people, have the power, the power to create machines, the power to create happiness! You, the people, have the power to make this life free and beautiful, to make this life a wonderful adventure. Then in the name of democracy, let us use that power. Let us all unite. Let us fight for a new world, a decent world that will give men a chance to work, that will give youth a future and old age a security. By the promise of these things, brutes have risen to power. But they lie! They do not fulfill that promise. They never will! Dictators free themselves but they enslave the people. Now let us fight to fulfill that promise. Let us fight to free the world! To do away with national barriers! To do away with greed, with hate and intolerance! Let us fight for a world of reason, a world where science and progress will lead to all men's happiness. Soldiers, in the name of democracy, let us all unite! Hannah, can you hear me? Wherever you are, look up Hannah! The clouds are lifting! The sun is breaking through! We are coming out of the darkness into the light! We are coming into a new world; a kindlier world, where men will rise above their hate, their greed, and brutality. Look up, Hannah! The soul of man has been given wings and at last he is beginning to fly. He is flying into the rainbow! Into the light of hope, into the future! The glorious future, that belongs to you, to me and to all of us. Look up, Hannah. Look up!"

Special mention has to be given to Billy Gilbert, one of the finest actors I've seen. For those who don't know him, well,he was the voice of Sneezy in Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs (1937).



Picture courtesy www.thisguyoverhere.com

It's Just As Your Mamma Told You...

The traffic in Chennai is getting worse everyday. The past couple of days it took me an hour and a half to come from Mount Road/Anna Salai to Anna Nagar. The number of cars have increased multi-fold. This isn't anything new, but NO ONE OBSERVES THE TRAFFIC RULES! In bumper to bumper traffic today at Nungambakkam High Road the foolish person behind the wheel on the left most side of the road turned on his right indicator and took a deep turn! People honestly need to know where they want to go!

I use the brake more than the accelerator. I think my speedometer showed like 20km/Ph or so. Anyways, while I was stuck in this signal, there stood next to me the ever threatening MTC bus. If there is one thing I'm scared of while driving its the MTC buses. They are the Rajas of the road. I respect them a lot 'cause no way do I want to die in front of one.

So ya, in the aforementioned bus which was spilling with people there stood a row of pakka rowdy type boys behind some pavum girls. Theses guys were singing and playing beats on the roof of the bus and basically making a public menace of themselves.

That's when I saw the look on the girls' faces. FEAR with a capital F.

The guys were standing SO close to the girls. I felt extremely sad that these girls were not able to afford any other kind of transportation and had to undergo this kind of unruly behavior. Women are always targeted. You can wave your women's lib bras saying we're equal to menfolk but it is stupid to ignore the obvious fact staring right at you.

How many times have you been felt up in a crowd or have been on the receiving side of lewd glares? You may be the bravest most smartest woman around but once you've had a bad experience where you've been molested or harassed then your perception on life changes in an instant. I don't mean to say that women have to shut themselves at home and never set foot outside. I am totally for the independence of women financially or otherwise.

But we need to be aware of what lines not to cross. I've seen girls literally throw themselves at guys and make such fools of themselves. There a girls whose first aim while entering a room is to scrounge for good looking guys and make sure that they catch the their attention. They flip their hair, flatter their eyelashes and talk decibels louder just so that everyone knows that she is in the room. There are some people who naturally exude confidence and grace and they attract a different set of eyes but there are a select few who specialize in grabbing eyeballs.

Islam commands women to cover their modesty or hyyah. We are taught how to act and behave in public places. Basically we are taught not to make fools of ourselves. But this, as all things are, is not practiced by every Muslim. In fact Muslim girls are the ones who practice a high degree of immodesty.

Being modest does not mean immediately wearing a burkha, a niqab, covering the face and being anti-social. Modesty is knowing your limits and protecting your hyyah.

There are girls who, Astagfirullah, wear their hijabs in the most provocative way. There are also girls who do not wear hijab but dress so modestly.

It's easy to say "I can do whatever I want but men have to learn to keep their hands off me ". But girlfriend, once you have a bad experience all that goes right out the window.

Basically it's just like your Mamma told you - Better safe than sorry.

WOOOHOOO! Not.

It doesn't FEEL like a new year. Few years ago new year was a HUUGE thing. My family and I we used to go out for dinner every year. People used to go crazy on the roads and everybody would be all "HAPPY NEW YEAR! WOOOHOOO!!!".

Ya, that doesn't happen anymore.

When I look back at 2010 I'm mad at myself for having done nothing substantial. I feel like going back in time and doing everything better than the last time. Three hundred and sixty five (sixty six if it was a leap year) days seem to have gone by so fast. The past year did give me a few life changing experiences. I did make a some life altering decisions and for that I'm happy.

I know it's not wise to look back and wonder why I wasted time. This year, God willing, will be much different. I will take each day as it comes and make optimum use of it.

I do not have resolutions per se but just certain goals that need to be accomplished. And oh, I also want to be a better person 'cause the last year yeah, not so much improvement in that department.

Also, I will blog regularly. I'm such an embarrassment to myself. I've had this blog for three years and I've just had over a hundred posts. That is how committed I am. How depressing!

But yes, this year all that will change Insha Allah.

Starting with loosing all the oodels of weight I've gained eating pasta and Toblerone.


Starting now.
Right after I finish this piece of Toblerone.

We dream of what could have been. The concept of if is very endearing, increasing anticipation. It is so close, yet, miles away from finding its way into reality.

We build castles in the air without realizing that we have no control over it. We dream without realizing that Allah has plans for us. Plans that can destroy or refurnish the very core of our being.

We are, but human.
Mortals, who believe that everything is possible, that science and technology have no borders and can build towers from debris.

We believe in many things.
But we should also believe that everything happens for a reason.

Exams are round the corner and here I am yet to start studying! Study holidays are when my creative juices flow over time and I spend all my time in thinking and planning on things to do during the holidays.

Summer holidays as a kid used to be so much fun. Almost two months of uninterrupted merry-making. When school ended for summer I used to come home running, excitement literally bouncing off me. We used to have a loft in my old house, which was probably my mother's favorite place. It contained all the junk we collected over the years and my suitcase of random toys and crap that I picked up. I'm now ashamed to admit that I was a big time Barbie addict.

Yes, I had Barbie, Skipper and Kelly too!

I used to spend the entire summer dressing and redressing my dolls and being my brother's guinea pig. Evenings were spent playing 'lock and key' and 'chain' with the kids in my apartment. Late, late breakfasts and special lunches everyday. The tv would be on 24 hours and no one complained. And when my brother joined the football team in school he used to practice on me. We used to play one on one football.

No points for guessing who won.

As I grew up I started to play quite a few games. I spent almost three summers playing tennis at a local school. Most of my memories from summer are from there. Then it was time for swimming. I spent the next three to four summers swimming. Summers were so blissful and so carefree. Everything was relaxed. The weather was never this terrible. All through summer we just had fun and ate ice creams and lived without a care.

Ever since I entered college, semester exams take place during peak summer, exactly when schools close. And the one month holiday is just enough to sleep and get up and watch movies. And worrying about the results, of course.

I would give anything to rewind my life back to the days when everything was perfect. Now its all about the future. Everyone is busy with their lives. Everyone wants to get ahead. Which is good. Yes, we have to look towards the future and work for it. But does this mean we can forget our past and our friends just because we found something that's remotely better?

At this point in life everyone is saving their own ass. We have this one year to make or break and its all about the future. Careers, families and self. No time to think. No time to stop and stare. Everything is accelerated. When everything is moving super fast I don't want to be the one left back and watching all this happen in front of me. I want to be focused and pumped up to. But its hard to when your heart longs for the past, longs for the childish smiles and the atmosphere of security and radiance.

Its hard to hope when I've lost friends who promised to be there.
It's hard when I've given up so much of myself without realizing.
It's hard when I cannot be the person I want to be.
It's hard living a monotonous life when I know and feel in my veins that I'm made for greater things.

It's hard when I wake up every day regretting the decisions that I made.

Destiny Is In Our Hands

Throughout my life I have come across many people who are extremely focused and who know what they want to do in life. Some people have always dreamed of going to Med school and somehow through either merit or money they made it. Others scored great percentile and got into National Universities or colleges. Most of them had at least some kind of vision as to what they wanted to be. When my friends were thinking about the future I lived in my own fantasy world taking each day as it came, not making any plans, not knowing where I was going to end up. I had my head up in the clouds, reading, dreaming and enjoying every moment.

When the time came to scout for colleges it was assumed that I would do Engineering. In Crescent. And I did not hesitate for even a micro-second. At that point in my life I did not know what I was good at. I did not have any vision of what I wanted to do. I just stood around while preparations were made for me to join Crescent. And since my family had something like a legacy there I was excited.

Now, three years into my degree education and there is not a single day where I don't regret making the choices that I did. For two years I sat in Engineering lectures physically present but mentally absent, as my teachers used to say. It took me a long, long time to accept my fate and come back to reality. Finally I realized that thinking about this won't help. I decided to accept my fate but still work towards a better future. The only good thing that happened to me through all these years is that I finally found out what I was remotely good at and what I wanted to do in life.

So if there are any students who have given their Boards this year and reading this then this is for you.

Please have a concrete idea of what you want to do in life. It doesn't matter if its Medicine, Commerce or Engineering. Know what you want to do. And do not let your parents or your peers influence you. It is hard to take a stand against parents who force you into joining something you don't like or don't have an aptitude for. But you have to. This is your life. If you don't care for it, who will? Studying something you hate is a waste of time and extremely depressing. Please do not mess up your life.

The "Three Idiots" anthem still sounds over India. Every parent wants their kid to be successful and everything. But if you really want to do something different you have to stand up for yourself. If this doesn't happen, India will still be producing technically poor Engineers and Doctors without merit.

The power to change your destiny lies in your hands. All of us can accept our fate as it comes, but it takes courage to stand up and change it.

Is it fair to punish an entire group of students for the faults, or rather, the stupidity of another? This girl in my college killed herself a few weeks back and now we, the surviving are bearing the brunt of her mindless actions.

I have no respect or pity for a girl who was crazy enough to take her own life for an even crazier reason. And now the management goes around putting these fancy, idiotic rules and expects us to follow them! Its amazing how their stupidity gets ahead of them.

I would honestly feel for the girl if she had a psychological problem or something. None of us got to choose whether we wanted to be born or not. Allah gave us the gift of life and we are expected to shut up and live it the best we can and thank him for giving us life everyday to accomplish our goals and to set new ones. Everybody goes through a rough patch. Life is not all happy and good. At times it shits you in the face. But you rub it off and still at least try to live each day the best you can. We have no right to take our life when we want to. Allah gave it to us and He will take it back when He wants to. Till then we gotta shut up and live.

If only she knew the consequences of her actions.

I guess her stupidity did get the better of her. For good.

Why is my life practically engulfed in Drama?
Drama. Drama. Drama.
The more I try to get away from it the more it comes chasing after me.

I hate Drama. In life. I consider myself way too practical and level headed to be involved in Drama. But here I am, yet again, in the midst of Drama.
.
.
.
.
Ugh.

2010

This is my 60th post. Its been a year since I started my blog and I haven't come even close to a hundred posts. So if I ever have a new year resolution one of them will be to be sincere and devoted to my blog regularly updating it.

This is also my first post for the new year.
Yay.
I survived to see 2010. It sounds so eerie just saying 2010.

I never have resolutions for the new year. And i don't intend to have either. But this time around there are a few things I really want to accomplish in life and hopefully I will. I have 365 days to do what I want. Or is this year a leap year? Anyways, I have 365/366 days to do what I want and by God I will do it.

This is a great start to a new year. With two of my close friends away this entire month and one who lives in the other end of Chennai, I am reduced to eating Chinese take out from Mainland China drooling over Patrick Dempsey's hotness on Grey's Anatomy.

Ya.
This is what I want in life.
Exactly this.

I guess I'm sounding too morose. A sad way to begin a new year, yes, but gathering my thoughts at the end of the year and planning ahead for a new one is blissful too.

I would like to wish everyone a happy new year and be all yay about it but with whats happening around the world and with injustice being the theme of the year, happy is not exactly what people want to be.

I remember simpler times when year was never this dull for me. Those times were around ten years back when we used to go out as a family for dinner. My father was in his highest spirits. We would drive at midnight and wish everyone on the road happy new year. I know that it sounds like the most dumb-ass thing to do. And it was. But at least it was something to do. Few years later my brother joined college and had his set of "college" buddies with whom he used to spend the new year and I would sit at home with mom and dad eating pizza and watching whatever "puttham pudhu tiray padam" there was on tv.

And thats where the routine that started is yet to end. But deep down I don't think I would have it anyother way either. I am such a bundle of contradiction, wanting both sides of the coin.

Now I'm just blabbering.
I'm on a roll.
Somebody stop me.

Happy 2010 all...

Today I finally decided to get off my butt and accompany my brother to the mall. I'm not exactly a thrifty shopper or a spend thrift for that matter but when I see something really pretty like a gorgeous bag or "buy-me" shoes I get weak at the knees. So today I decided no taking extra money. No sirey. I was going to be smart.

Or so i thought.

I entered the mall to find an exhibition of bags and shoes. They looked so dull from the outside but something made me go inside (thank God for that).

I had entered heaven.
Bliss.
Nirvana. Or whatever else you call it.

I saw the most luscious, soft, luxurious leather bag. It was an icy grey colour made of leather so butter soft, so melting, so absolutely amazing that it made a baby's bottom feel like sand paper.
The grey was shaded so artistically. The chain link was tres chic.

I felt I could drown in the bag.
Literally.

But you see since Murphy's law practically ruins my life, today was the last day of the sale and I did not have the money to pay for it because I thoght I was being smart.
Screw smart. I would take that bag anyday.

I had no choice but to say tata to the bag and I did with such a heavy heart. Oh how my heart weeped! And considering I'm a little hormonally challenged today I was practically in depression by the time I left.

So to cheer myself up I bought the biggest can of Pringles, soda and a Vogue because Vogue is my only friend who can cheer me up.

On my way home I saw a dead cat on the road. Although I'm not very animal friendly it was so sad!
Pavum that cat.
But for some reason my brother found a dead cat in the middle of the road amusing.

I Say Shoot That Damn Bird Down..

For the past two weeks this really abnormal crow keeps coming to my closed window and tries to fly in but duh, the window is closed and so it tries to peck through my window.

Yes. Peck.

My window is full of scratches. And that darn bird keeps coming only when I reach the REM stage of my beauty sleep. So I'm all comfy sleepy dreaming about lying in a hammock in a pristine sea shore and then I hear:

"TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOKT"

"KA KA KA KA KA KA KA KAAAAAA KA KA KA TOK TOK KAKAKAKAAAA"

and all I really wanna do is to buy a gun and shoot that psychotic crow down.

My brother came up with a wonderfull theory on why the crow does what it does. He says "oh maybe the crow comes to your window and see its reflection and thinks that there is another crow and it wants to fight with it. Yeah.. thats why its pecking down your window. Or maybe you made it as crazy as you? What did you do to the crow? What did you do????"

First of all the crow can see its reflection in many places, not just my window but on water and... other peoples window. And second of all that was totally the lamest theory I've ever heard.

My Theory:

The crow is just plain mental and it has no idea its doing. And I'm trying to overcome my writers block and have end up in describing my relationship with a crow.
This is as good as it gets.

Mariyadhai?!

A conversation with my brother last night :

Brother: See how I good I am I respect our father.
Me: Whatever..
Brother: I'm not like you. You don't respect him or anyone.
Me: Whatever..
Bother: You know what is Vijaykanth's new movie called? Mariyadhai. Go and see it. At least learn something from him.
Me: ??!!!


I have to go see Mariyadhai to learn about respect?

Right.

Late Night Ramblings Of A Weird Weirdo...

When I was a little girl there were so many things I wanted to be. An Arab princess, a mermaid, Miss.Universe, a news reader for the BBC, a journalist and then Harry Potter invasion happened and I wanted to be a witch. All these may be silly little things but to me, at that age, these were the highlights because I could relate to some character and find a piece of 'me' there. My ambitions were fleeting and were never constant. I read new books and discovered something in them I wanted to be. Almost every book I've read has taught me something about who I wanted to be. As the years went by I had an abstract idea about who I was and what I wanted to do with my life. Forever I thought of myself as a complex and a unique individual. I always thought myself as some character in a book I had read and I had lived my life in my own little dream world and I was very happy at that.

But somewhere along the line as I grew to understand the world and the people around me, I lost track of who I was. And unfortunate for me, I never realized it. It took me so long to realize that I have actually lost a part of my personality. And how or for what reason I don't know. Now when the time has come for me to decide on what I want to be and do in life, I'm blank. I try to recollect the past and decide on something but nothing comes to me. Right at this moment I don't know who I am and what defines me. I thought i knew very well and had everything cut out for me, but it doesn't look like I do.

A thousand thoughts keep spinning through my head so fast that I don't seem to catch one. A million things I want to be but I can't point my finger on exactly what. I always felt that my life would be exciting and I had the feeling that something amazing and thrilling was bound to happen in my life. I still feel the same. But the uncertainty that it might not seems to kill me.

Confusion blossoms in my head. For what purpose I don't seem to know. Is the world going crazy or is it just me? All i really want is to find myself again and to find something that inspires me and gives me some sort of an exhilaration.

Living life so monotonously has taken its toll on me.