Sometimes I'm too dramatic for my own good. I should have lived in a book. A really long, extremely dramatic book full of sequences the idle mind can never imagine, full of dreams that do not end.


That's exactly where I deserve to be.

An open wound. Bare skin. Unzipped. 

Why is it so difficult to give yourself permission to feel. To feel without being betrayed, to feel without a doubt.  Why are we holding back? Why can't we just say exactly what we want to and move on? Why do I have to think before I talk?

So may times in life we come across situations that begs us to feel, makes our hearts beat faster. But we're scared, so scared. Of feeling. It doesn't matter anymore if it is right or wrong but you have to feel it in your heart. But we are scared of being exposed. We don't want to be taken for granted. But what guarantee is there that we will be? What guarantee is there that we wont? That's when you take a blind leap of faith. Blind, but your heart is open. Blind, but you've never seen clearer than right now, than this moment that takes your breath away.

Someday it feels like I've given up a lot; given up myself. I feel I should have fought harder and not have given in to the expected. I should have been stronger, fiercer. I know it isn't too late but why does it feel like my space is limited? 

I feel claustrophobic. I can't breathe. I can't breathe thinking of all the things I've given up. I can't breathe thinking about all the things I want to do. I can see it on the horizon. It's right there at arms distance. But my hands are tied and I have to succumb to the expected. I have I succumb to the person they want me to be. In this tug of war I feel that the person I want to be has been diluted. That's exactly how I feel - dilute. Not a strong concentrated version of myself but a dilute liquid that has no power. Every time I think "no I'm just being a drama queen", and push the thought away from my head. It feels like I'm lying to myself and the scary part is I know it and yet choose to believe the liar. 

I feel uninspired. I'm tired. Tired of waiting for things to happen instead of going out there and making it happen. I want to be out. I want to be free. I want to breathe. I feel parched and breathless, like every thought, every idea from my body has been sucked out. 

What's left is what you want me to be. What's left is how you view me. I look in the mirror and all I can see is a reflection. I can't see the original. I can't see myself but I sure as hell can see you staring back at me with those judging eyes telling me that it is wrong; what I think, what I feel and what I want to be, is wrong. "No that's not what you want, tell me things I like to hear. Don't tell me what you think. It doesn't matter anymore". It never did. So I've given up. I know the book of life tells me not to but what choice do I have when I loose every battle, when the will to fight has been drained out of my system.

I'm tired and I'm exhausted. I'm tired of fighting the battle within me. Tired of thinking like you. I'm tired of fighting between what you want and what I desire, supporting either sides of the argument, not letting go. There is a constant struggle inside me. Constantly making me think like two people. I can feel them on my shoulders. On one side I can see myself on the brink of all things great, with the world at my feet. On the other side I see you, telling me what's good for me. I want to say "bring down the shackles!". "Storm the fortress!" but I know I don't want to hurt you. I know you mean well but would it hurt to stop telling me what is good for me? These mindless formalities, the urge to please everyone else but yourself, what good is it when you and I both know that we'll be alone in our grave with no one to help us. You taught me that. And now your actions speak otherwise. 

My eyes are dry. My pool of tears has dried up. I feel stone hearted. All the deflecting emotions has led to this. Now I tell myself it doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter where I end up. I will still be skeptic inside, always feeling that things were to good to be true. Never trusting when a good thing comes my way. Always doubting, always thinking that there is a catch, like a Ponzi scheme, there is always a catch.

I was feeling a little down and out these past few days so I bought some flowers to cheer myself up. Just goes to show that everybody needs a little sunshine sometimes.

I don't think we can ever know anything for sure. There will always be doubts.
Push them away.

Summer Wind

If there is one thing Madras totally owns, it's summer. Complain all you want about the heat, sweat and power cuts but you know that Madras is in her best during this season. Summer is for lazy afternoons spent watching movies on Sun TV. It's when fruit sellers spring up in every street corner selling luscious mangoes and gorgeous watermelons. Summer is when you can see the trees proudly displaying their flowers. Thank God for the old Madras corporation/people who have planted bouganvillas and flame of the forest on every street.

I become very nostalgic during summer. The best parts of my childhood were spent making the most of what little I had and now that I'm all "grown up" I feel that longing for a simpler time when I didn't have to think about the future and take life changing decisions. All I thought about was when the elani man will come and if there is enough porri urundai to share with my friends.

I know this is all a part of growing up but I just want to stop for minute and take a breather. It's hard to accept that the most carefree days of our lives are over. Only a few weeks in to this blazing season and already my stress levels are haywire. 

In the midst of all the craziness that surrounds me I just want to give a big non-physical hug to a very beautiful, very special girl who means the world to me. All I want to tell you is to keep the faith and just soldier on. There are so many wonderful things ahead of you once you get past all the darkness. I want you to know that there is a light at the end of the tunnel and its the brightest, most blindingly awesome light that you've ever seen. Just know that I love you irrespective of how many people you are. You are the kindest, smartest person I know. Big things are going to happen in your life. I just know it. You are the kind of person that deserves all the good that comes their way. Just know that I love you and I will forever be your bum chum.

I know how depressed you are so I'm sending some sunshine your way. Remember, the sky is not the limit. 

The interwebz is weird, you guys.

The internet is full of weirdos and perverts. There were a bunch of people who searched  for 'komanam pictures' and the search led them to my blog. Come on guys! I do not have 'komanam pictures' neither do I have pictures of 'girls in komanam'. So if you are reading this, you pervert, you need to get off the computer right now and go get a life.

Also, why would anyone search for 'tirunelveli rowdies'? I'm from there and I assure you not all of us are like that. And to the person who is searching for 'aruval pictures', yeah, you need help.

November

November is supposed to be cold and wet. A preview of what December holds. But the weather has been going from rainy nights to bright mornings. It confuses me, this uncertainty. November is no longer dark and broody. November is confusion. December defines the end of yet another year. But November is such an odd month. 

November is disappointing.

Worst.
Day.
EVER.

Final semester of college.



Four years are gone. Just like that.

I've been wanting to write for so long but something or the other comes up and prevents me from doing so. First it was the exams, but that's not reason enough. Then, my baby, my laptop that I had tried oh-so-hard to protect from virus attacks died. She went into surgery when she wouldn't start up. They erased her memory completely and now she is in recovery.

The weather in Madras is beautiful right now. It rained continuously today. I love seeing the grey sky and feeling the rain. Sometimes I do miss the sun coming out in all its brightness but winters here are so short that it makes it almost a crime not to enjoy it. Getting out of bed every morning is a chore. Curling up in bed with my soft, worn-out quilt is my favorite pass-time this season. I have pretty thick skin but my mother is the opposite. I'm sure its just a couple of days more before she brings out her winter armor of choice - the rough brown colored rug and a pair of socks.

Every winter my mind reverts back to the previous rainy seasons. Most of the stupid decisions I've made were in winter. But then again making those stupid decisions is what made me the person I am today. I guess the cold just brings out that other side of me. So if I want to preserve what is left of my sanity then maybe, just maybe, I shouldn't move to Reykjavik after all.
Ah decisions...

There is something about Reykjavik that fascinates me and no, its not Bjork. The only thing fascinating about her is her brain which gave her the OK to wear that hideous swan outfit at the Oscars. And I read that the entire day she went around leaving little white artificial swan eggs wherever she sat.

Who does stuff like that?!

Supremely Awesome!

Every evening when I get back from college the first thing my hands itch for apart from food is a newspaper. Now we get four papers sent to my house every morning - The Indian Express, The Hindu, The Economic Times and Dina Thanthi. I love the smell of fresh newspapers and the way they feel between my fingers. Also, I'm totally devoted to 'The Hindu' so the first paper I reach out to is this.







But today was a shocker! I opened the paper and heard voices coming out of it! Literally! I thought the paper was talking!

But it turns out it was a Supremely Awesome advertisement for a Volkswagen car! There was a small device attached to the back that kept playing "Something something Volkswagen's (insert new car name) something something. Volkswagen. Das auto." on a loop. It had a sensor type thing built in so that every time something covered it, like say, if you place your hand on it or flip the paper over, the audio stops!











What a way to get your attention! And it was sooo cool!!




My brother says its a lame car since it doesn't have some Supremely Awesome features.
Who cares!

It's a Supremely Awesome advertisement!

Today I was asked to be someones wing-man.
Or wing-woman, technically.



Major 'How I Met Your Mother/Barney Stinson' nightmares!



:O

This has got to be the single most dull, boring and depressing vacation ever.
More than one month of holidays and I have done nothing worth mentioning.
Except, well, watching all the seasons of Entourage.


I cannot decide whom I like better, Vince or E.




I will spend the remainder of my holidays figuring that out.

The playlist in my gym:

1. churaa liya hain thumne jo dilko
2. Sean Paul - Temperature
4. Snoop Dog


Diverse, much?

Salla Pappu Invading My Brains

I opened the door to my gym today to hear Britney Spears screaming "Ooops I did it again". Britney is SO 1999. What would possess a gym to play her songs?? Its completely beyond me.
And thats not all.

They played "Pappu can't dance". Now I know this song was really popular and everything but I CANNOT stand it for the life of me.

I honestly have no interest in why Pappu can't dance.
Salla...

Sometimes people say and I think too that I can be way to stubborn at times. While that may be a good thing given certain situations it does not hold to be true always. I find it really extremely hard to open up and let people into my life and into my feelings for the simple reason that I don't trust them with it. Whoever they may be. Now I'm not egoistical per se. But sometimes what I do really baffles me. I do things I don't understand.

My whole life has been one stupid decision after the other. I always thought that I never wanted to regret anything I did in life but of late I find myself regretting my decisions every waking moment of my life wishing I did things the other way. I have no idea how long this is going to go on for. I know that you can't go back and change things but yet I keep doing foolish things.

And I have also been called as an extremely insensitive person. Now for this I do not apologize. I like that part of me and intend to be that way, thank you very much.

I just feel that being really sensitive makes you really vulnerable and I don't want people to take advantage of that.

Look at me!
I am one crazy person.

How DO people put up with me?
The answer is : THEY DONT.

Why is my life practically engulfed in Drama?
Drama. Drama. Drama.
The more I try to get away from it the more it comes chasing after me.

I hate Drama. In life. I consider myself way too practical and level headed to be involved in Drama. But here I am, yet again, in the midst of Drama.
.
.
.
.
Ugh.

And Where Have I Been You Ask?

I have been M.I.A. for the past couple of months due to certain unavoidable situations. Firstly I had my semester exams.
Definitely unavoidable.

After a month of cramming six months worth of syllabus overnight repeatedly, I appeared, at the end of it, unscathed, caffeine induced and deprived of enjoying the wonderfully cool climate that started just during my exams. So I spent the one week of holidays that I had sleeping, eating and watching any movie I could get my hands on.

Now, a week later starting my sixth semester in an Engineering college I am beginning to feel the pangs of fright and uncertainty wondering where my life is headed. I often think that maybe I made the wrong decision after I finished school but console myself saying that its too late to think about what happened. So now I have decided to live with it and plan my life through so that I don't regret anything in the future.

Madras at this time of the year is in her wettest ever. We see only two seasons a year - extreme heat through ten months and rain through the last two. December brings back its gloomy self- wet, cold and dark throughout the day. Stagnant water everywhere. Leaking houses and canteens and the spread of some infection or the other. Chicken guinea being the flavor of this season. As much as we curse the rain its inevitable that we love it what with holidays being declared left, right and center.

At times I hate the cold. I hate the water stagnation and the city being slathered in rain and the wetness.

But then again its hard not to love it.

I Say Shoot That Damn Bird Down..

For the past two weeks this really abnormal crow keeps coming to my closed window and tries to fly in but duh, the window is closed and so it tries to peck through my window.

Yes. Peck.

My window is full of scratches. And that darn bird keeps coming only when I reach the REM stage of my beauty sleep. So I'm all comfy sleepy dreaming about lying in a hammock in a pristine sea shore and then I hear:

"TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOK TOKT"

"KA KA KA KA KA KA KA KAAAAAA KA KA KA TOK TOK KAKAKAKAAAA"

and all I really wanna do is to buy a gun and shoot that psychotic crow down.

My brother came up with a wonderfull theory on why the crow does what it does. He says "oh maybe the crow comes to your window and see its reflection and thinks that there is another crow and it wants to fight with it. Yeah.. thats why its pecking down your window. Or maybe you made it as crazy as you? What did you do to the crow? What did you do????"

First of all the crow can see its reflection in many places, not just my window but on water and... other peoples window. And second of all that was totally the lamest theory I've ever heard.

My Theory:

The crow is just plain mental and it has no idea its doing. And I'm trying to overcome my writers block and have end up in describing my relationship with a crow.
This is as good as it gets.